Cave Living

Today Derek, Marisa, Chelsea and I decided we are moving to a modern luxurious cave for life. To hide from well, everyone and everything! Goodbye to Facebook, "Nothing Personal" and All Time Low attemping to make a wall of death at their concert, anyone aged twelve to eightteen, Myspace, hardcore dancers, Brokencyde and their followers, Twitter, etc.

This month, and the past few, i've been, odd, we'll say? I've wanted to write, because I believe I could've written alot of good entries like I used to, but it never came out right or it was worded completely wrong. "When they close the final curtain, you'll get a glimpse of The Truth". True, story. 

The Turth? Is confusing, and cruel. Nobody tells you you may be better off that way. But I think back then, I did know more then I gave myself credit for. Oh, i'maa mess, from core to horizon to star.

The Uphill Strides

I often use roller coasters as a pawn in the metaphorical games I play with my writing. But I always seem to assciate roller caosters with negativity, which is fairly accurate. I mean everybody looks for stability, I want it badly myself. But I think what i've missed is that i'm going to be riding roller coasters all my life, whether i'm in a truly stable situation or not. Some I simply ride higher and straighter. The ones i'm used to and most commonly write about are the steeper low riding ones. But no matter what I do there are always going to be ups and downs to everything. It really just all depends on the roller coaster you're riding, and how worth while that ride really is, and knowing when to get off and onto another, if ever? I know the roller coaster i'm riding and I know every downhill slope or runt is worth the overall ride. The uphill strides outweigh the bad and I don't plan on getting off. 

This was kind of a more positive optimistic look on the same type of topic as my last blog. That one I looked at all of this with negative eyes, this one I look at with more optimism. At heart i'm a realist and an optimist, but I have my pessimistic "fuck the world" moments as well, which is typically when I write. I'm human, just finding my own personal balance. I like being optimistic, and it's something I hope adulthood doesn't take from me. 

The Horizontal Exchange

Life is a constant exchange, it seems. You trade one hardship for a another. One sorrow for a different. Everything is lateral movement, and it's sad. You take two steps up, to stumble four steps down, then shift from ladder to ladder on that fourth broken step. Until you're lifted once again another two steps, then dropped and shifted, and the process goes on. 

I did exit my roller coaster months ago, only to be strapped to another, that's just gained downhill momentum. Decent writing is back I believe, how wonderful. 

"And the world spins madly on..."

Twigs and Leaves

Something about the rain. Just something about it's scent, and the way the puddles it creates echo through my room. I've wanted to write something for a few weeks now, something worth reading again. I've saved about four drafts, but nothing I really feel is worth anything. Something about the rain makes me more, not technically inspired, but capable of writing. As the water droplets flow from sky to roof to road to beneath the soil, i'm able to better flow and run the the thoughts in my head. The leaves and twigs circulating my fuck up are kind of washed and pushed closer to the sewer when it rains. I enjoy writing, and writing words that impact people, rain acts as one of my catalyst for me to be able to do that better. 

I don't know, just thoughts and thoughts.

What They Preach Is Merely Fiction

Music has started to hit me hard again. I suppose hard isn't the best choice of words, deep would be more accurate I think? For a while I could listen to music and it wouldn't effect me like it used to, but it's begginging to again. I'm able to get lost in a song the way I was able to. I don't know if I like this happening or not, no... I do know.

Please, don't expect much from me anymore.

Blur, Loosen, Wander, Float, Shut

I really do not know why that song below stabilizes me to the point that it does. It lyrically has nothing to do with my life or past, except maybe the first line, and I can't personally relate to it. But it can calm me more then any other song in my library of close to five thousand. Just listening to it so loud that it is literally all I can hear and completely shutting out the world, helps me in some way? I zone and that song is really the only one that can completely consume my entire mind and body, basically one hundred percent of the time. It's just a beautiful song, and I get lost among it. Thank you Joscelyn, for exposing me to it last year, you don't know how much it has done for me in that year, from last summer to the start of school and so on. I feel pretty pathetic for giving this four minute song so much credit and power, but I need to start accepting the fact that I am a pretty pathetic person. I'd post a lyric to finish this, but like I said, it's not the lyrics, it's the sound and consumption. Goodbye.

When There's Nothing Left To Burn,

"You Have To 

Set Yourself On Fire"

-Stars

497 45516

Dig so deep, and wrap your veins around my steady skipping pacing gasping slipping sinking fading fragile heartbeat

and save it, never to be left alone again

Just Two Months

Okay, let's step back from my dolled up poetic writing for a moment and I strip it down alittle for this one. The past month and a half or so have been great, and only make me more anxious for summer. Alyssa comes home in about five-six days, and once that happens my mind is on summer. Which absolutely terrifies me. I still have a month and half of school left, and I need to keep it together through then. I have exams, most being exit exams for high school. I'm not in fear of failing, but in fear of doing way below my capabilities. Math is going to be hell, and english is going to be lengthy and annoying. Both I need to focus on. Even before the exams, I have final projects and a full last quarter of school to get through. It just kind of sucks. I've never been more ready for summer so early before. I've never wanted summer more in my life, because this summer I have great things waiting for me. Insted of just wanting to escape pointless lessons and obnoxious classmates, I actually have amazing plans waiting for me this summer. I'll get there, and it won't take too long, I just need to keep my head somewhat focused on school in the meantime.

I love writing in riddles and wordplay like I normally do, but sometimes it's nice to change it up and write in a more quote unquote real tone and write out some quote unquote goals I have. Hope all is well with whoever may be reading this, goodnight (:

The letters O, U, R, and S

I've created a world, like I tend to do in the burrows of my brain. But this time around, it's consumed my entire. This time around, my fanasty world touches so close to relaity the static shatters ear drums. This time around, i'm not in my world alone. In the past i've always built kingdoms on my own, and for the first time i'm sharing a world, and I didn't construct it single handedly, and the towers keep getting greater, as does the fairytale.

I'd give anything, and everything I have, to make this world absolute and permentant. If I could destory reality and all inside to replace it with my, our, utopia... I would. For you, and me, and us. 

I'm

i'mbalanced, from left to right

i'mmoveable, on the surface

i'mbedded, with confusion always

i'mplacable, and wandering

i'mpacted, barely and rarely

i'mmigrated, into foreign hands

i'mpossible, and stuck waiting

but looking from above and far away, i'm simply just iNcapable, of more things than one.

Tuesday evening,

I was reading Alyssa's blog. It goes on to explain/mention her feelings of being lost, not knowing what she wants, and not knowing what is real and what is illusional. It was like I was reading something I could have easily wrote, a month ago. 

As I was reading all I wanted to do was say something to help her, but I couldn't think of anything. Because I didn't pull myself out of the "whatever" I was sinking in. I was lifted out, and I couldn't be more thankful. But what about the people who aren't lucky enough to find what I found? Or what if I hadn't have found him myself? Where would I be? I don't know, just a few things that ran through my head while reading Alyssa's. Foruntely enough for me, the last two questions are worthless, but the first?...

I guess i've just finnally found something to truly be grateful for, and now i'm wondering why everyone can't have something like that. Or, why am I so lucky? I don't care why really, like I said, i'm just grateful for it.

"My head is starting to steady"

Friday, 12:43 p.m. I'm home in my godsent sweatpants and the shirt I fell asleep in last night. 12:44 p.m. We had the day off from school today, and that too was godsent. School lately has been going by so fast, I barely see it anymore. I blame some of it on lil bro, but it's a good thing. I don't know if it's him or just the clock on crack, but either way time is running almost too fast for the naked eye to catch it on it's way out. In the current, that's working in my favor. But once we hit mid august, i'll be telling you different. This next month of April, i'll be in school maybe two full weeks of the month. In two weeks i'll be leaving for a week to stay with Alyssa in Boston, and we're going to New York City for a few days as well. After that, i'm on spring break until the end of April, at which time Alyssa will be home from college for four months. At that point, my mind is on summer. We'll see what the effects of that are in a few months, hah. Then, May 1st, i'm going to New Jersey for four days for Bamboozle '09. After that, i'm home, school will be text review, and i'll be with Alyssa. After this next month, I won't be immobile anymore. 12:52 p.m. It is really exciting, and I have extreme hopes for this summer. But everyone one of them is realistic. I'll be between Lewiston, Buffalo, North Ton, and Toronto mainly, and I can't wait for it all. 12:55 p.m. Life is really good lately and getting better by the week. 1:02 p.m.

I don't know if before, I just truly wasn't happy, or if now, i'm just completely happy. Either way, i'm confident i'm happy now, and i'm pretty sure the roller coaster I was chained to for the past year has stopped, and the chain unlocked. 

It's My Lyrical Life

"For the first time, I feel like i'm at a loss for words. There's nothing left to do but move forawrd. I'm finally ready for something good." // "I'll be the bright side of your bad day. If you'll be mine..." // "We’ve been searching the sky for answers. Look to the stars so that I feel small, and my problems don’t seem so big." // "The new is in, the new is in. I'm feeling better all ready. I shed my skin, I shed my skin. My head is starting to steady"

Music is more then clever wording and danceble beats to me. It's a messenger, that delivers words or thoughts when i'm unable. Even when i'm able, sometimes it's easier for lyrics to take the ropes. These are some lines from some songs i've had on repeat for a few days/weeks. I picked these lines because they paint a decent picture of my current head. But believe me, those few above are certainly not all. I'll do this from time to time I think, we'll see how it all goes (:

But only in dreamsandschemes

I'm impossible, searching for someone with possibilities// I have answers, but none to my own questions// Occasionally, I want more then just my own two feet to rely on//

I'm intangled, looking for a devoted to unravel and plant roots on fresh soil, or an equal to intertwine their mess into mine, and together we'll settle in the jungle.

Carry Me,

It's 11:09 at night, on a sunday. I've successful avoided my english and child dev homework, but it's not like it was a challenge. Right now i'm in the dark, listening to Owl City and faint rain behind me. Around ten, I went to my window, tore off the winter plastic, opened the glass, and let spring fill the room. As much as I love winter, i'm glad it's on it's way out, and the downpour throughout the day is a reassuring sign. The rain is beautiful, and I could watch/listen to it's drops for longer then you'd think. It really puts me at ease, and as long as something so simple yet incredible as rain is falling to the earth, I know I haven't lost my sanity.

Baby Steps

I think I secretly desire to be infinite, it's The Perks of Being a Wallflower in me,

I've tried to writing something for days now, but nothing materializes. I produce the best writing when i'm at a loss, or caught in confusion. But lately neither has been the case. It's slightly sad, and slightly pathetic, that my best writing comes from despair. But it makes some sense. I mean, when something is wrong I try to dig in my head and connect the wire that came undone. Writing and music are the shovels, so it would make sense my deepest writing is the product of self recuperation, right? Maybe it's all in my sub conscious, or maybe I just haven't got the chance to write when i'm honestly content. Lately i'm comfortable with how my life is going. I'm just living in the now and rolling with the texts. There's no need to think, because there's nothing to think about. Thinking ruins me, more times than it should, so i'm satisfied with it's welcomed absence. I believe that if I put too much thought into my current, i'll shadder it. I'm terrified of that as it is, so i'm going to do everything I can to make sure i'm not the one with the cuts on his hands.

I'm obviously growing, because i'm still content, and this writing wasn't too bad.

Continuously,

I find myself riding rollercoasters, thinking I know how to control the gears of it all, while seated and strapped in the cars, as they speed cruelly down the tracks.

To a Friend

Dear friend, i'm no sir,

it's weird to think that one week ago, I didn't even know of your existance. But in that past week since, i've talked to you more then anyone else. I am really glad I found you, and I think I found you at the right time. It's great to find someone with a similar mindset as mine, and we're able to share them both with eachother. I think the reason I like talking to you so much is because you're something new, and I forget about everything else going on when we talk. I enjoy not thinking, and with you, I don't have to think or censor. You take my mind, and that's nice for a change. I'm just comfortable with you, and you make me feel kind of wanted. By you just talking to me as much as you are and that you're honestly grateful you've met me, makes me so much more thankful I found you. With you being you, and me being me, we've just amplified eachother I think. Also, i'm really glad i've helped you, in whatever ways I have. It's nice to know I did something for someone else, while just being myself, that's never really happened to me before. You're someone I don't want to stop getting to know, and someone I hope to know outside of the digital world soon. The world will bow in our prensece, and Paul Simon with be twelve feet under once we're done with him. Don't worry about being redundant, because we'll just continue to balance eachother out. Thank you, honestly.

The Introduction

"Those born on January 7th show a keen interest in the unusual and may be considered quite characters themseleves. They can be nervous types who are highly sensitive to their enviroment. They are curious, intense and imaginative and appreciate the strangeness in life."

As I was cleaning out my dresser drawers today, I found a small key chain underneath the mess on the floor. It was something I must've bought at least a year ago, so out of curiousity, how ironic, I read it and laughed a little. I have trouble describing myself at times because I change, or at least have the potential to change, everyday. Nothing all too noticeable, but big enough for me to reconize internally. When I read this key chain, it really did sound like me. Insted attempting to show you who I believe I am at this point in time, I decided to share my lost key chain. I'll tell what I think of myself eventually and in time, but for now; Explore me, and maybe we'll meet up in the middle.

Lately, in the past few days, i've really felt inspired to write. Not about anything specific or exact, but just flow. I guess it comes along hand in hand with the floating and detachment i've felt, but that's another writing for another day. Myspace has been my place to write, ever since about the start of high school, roughly two years ago. I really didn't get deep into blogging until about December of '07 though. Ever since this September or so, i've been slowing falling further and further out of blogging, but not writing. This week marks the end, I believe, for myspace and the start for a new place. The differences between the two aren't great, but still. I'm changing, and I see this as a part of those changes. Yesterday in my last myspace blog I said I wanted a language all my own, which only I and a privileged few could decipher. Maybe i'll find that here, because I don't think it's something I can crete, but something i'd be lucky enough to find. We'll see though, won't we? Here I think i'll be able to write for myself, and others at the same time, and that is something i'm unable to do on myspace currently and lately. Welcome to a new chapter, with more writing and diversed writing, let's see where this one takes me.